Blind
by lilylynn
Summary: They both knew the closer they got, the harder it was to see.
1. Chapter 1

...

'_That makes me your blind spot.'_

_..._

They both knew the closer they got, the harder it was to see. This was true in any case, physically and mentally. Every instance was just common sense. Quite like when you bring something close to your eyes. You try to remain your focus on that something and your vision becomes extremely cross, deterred. Your head starts to hurt and you have to blink and back away. Creating that space allows the brain to think again…to function again. That space also gives fear and ignorance a chance to settle in between, blinding each other from the truth. With each step forward caused two steps back. In his mind, he told himself that by setting her apart and letting that space be between them, she would be saved from the hell that he was. In her mind, she told herself that they would never work out and the distance was for the best and would be in the end.

They were both wrong.

* * *

Cal breathed in deeply, his chest puffing out as his lungs fill with the oxygen he required. Settling back into his swivel office chair, he kept his eyes on the blank word document. Maybe deep down he thought that if he stared at the bright white screen, words would suddenly appear and inspiration would flood his veins and dance into his fingertips. If only things were that easy. But even the abysmal part of him knew he was a sod who couldn't do this.

The demand for another book was approaching and he didn't have squat. His mind was against himself; demands were what he did not what he got and he couldn't get things straight within his head. Thousands of thoughts swirled inside, creating a twister of everything Cal usually kept under wraps. The years and years of practice to keep emotions and expressions controlled proved to be a useless waste of time. Here he was, a slump of distaste for himself, wallowing in his own way with regret.

He had hurt her…again. He never physically hurt Gillian and hardly ever with words but with the forms of his actions. And he was always acting. Acting out and causing a stir was what he was accustomed to, he supposed. It was a shite excuse and he owned up to that but he still didn't know what else to do.

In the past when something to this nature happened, she would go her way and he would go his for a while, letting things cool down and soon they would be better. That space was a healer as well as a destroyer. What ironic fate they have. To heal and to destroy in a vicious never ending circle.

The space looked empty between them to an untrained eye. To Cal and Gillian though, the space was filled to the rim with unsaid words and hidden emotions. And yet despite their knowledge, they were still blind. Or could this just boil down to actually knowing but not doing anything about it? Were they strictly ignorant to the truth? Did Gillian choose to not act? Did Cal choose to act in the wrong sense?

Cal wracked his tired brain and every thought brought him back to the fact that no matter what the answers were to those questions, all he knew was that he loved her. He loved Gillian with everything possible within him. And now that he has come face to face with his own confession, Cal knows he should want to pursue these feelings. Bringing them out to thrive sounded a great deal better instead of letting each emotion stir around and around in his aching chest. Then that cruel fate nagged at him, telling him closing the distance would err all they both had built. Not only would the confessions fail but so would any attempt at fixing whichever scruples they might have. Their professional relationship and their friendship would forever be marred. This conclusion lies flat out in front of him and this very conclusion was what blocked his sight. Thus, Gillian was his blind spot. Therefore, he couldn't see the truth that was right in front of him.

She loved him too.

* * *

Gillian could feel her eyes water as another yawn forces itself out. Sighing deeply, she blinks the tears away and steals a look out between the blinds of her office window. The evening was gone and darkness greeted her. Her computer screen seemed to dim much like her sight. Since when was she following in Cals' footsteps? He was rubbing off on her more than she realized.

His office was still occupied too, she knew. Being the night owls they were, there was just never enough time to get things finished; much like the nonexistent rough draft sitting blank on his computer. Gillian knew he was slumping in his seat, feeling sorry for himself. She identified him all too well.

The distance from her office to his was much like the detachment they've kept all week. Nothing new, if she was being completely honest with herself but Gillian wanted something to change. They couldn't continue in this way. Not only was it unhealthy but Gillian admitted…she missed him.

She was wholly tired of this game. They were so much better when they were on equal ground. But every time he did something, to deliberately prove what an egotistical ass he really can be her cold reserve came out. She would be fed up, digging at him for answers and he would be oblivious, feigning innocence. Then he would walk one way and she would go the other.

That space was like a shield, protecting her. If they didn't walk away, words along with regrets were going to emit over everything. The heavy distance was like another friend, comforting her and telling her time was all they needed. Time to get their heads right and time to breathe was what they relied on. It also proved to her that no matter how far apart they were and no matter how mad she was at him, they would always come back. They would meet in the middle and things were ok. He would be Cal, coarse yet sweet and she would be Gillian, nerved yet warm and forgiving. It was depressing in a sense; neither could get out of the cycle and neither was trying.

To Gillian, if this was a case or a therapy session, she would be telling the poor souls to run the other way. But this was Cal. And she was in love with him.

Damned by love…Cal had said this once, ironically so.

If only they could work past this expanse of do or don't and will or won't. If only she could get him to realize that what he was doing to himself he was also doing to her. The hurt was dull and aching most of the times, making Gillian feel like she's experienced this pain over quite an amount of intervals.

And indeed she had.

It was pitiful and suddenly she needed to let him know. She knew he needed to be shown. Cal is smart but that mind of his can make certain things oblivious. Quickly she grasped what needed to happen. She was going to act. They had to fight for this instead of walking the other way. The idea that they wouldn't work be damned. They both needed to set their feet down and let it out, eye to eye. They couldn't run away from their feelings anymore. She was going to put an end to this wall that separated them. And he was going to listen. He was going to see.

Gillian was proven wrong and now was the time to act. No more holding back.

Thus, came the stage to shake up the present loop.

* * *

Upon entering Cal's office, Gillian automatically knew he was gone. She could always feel his presence and the absence of that energy was clear. He must have sprung up, tired of the scenery and in need of a new view. Or the stash of scotch was in necessity of restock. In his rush he had left one lamp on and his laptop, still open, with the bright white screen glowing along his desk.

Knowing their bills weren't getting any lower, she decided to turn off his light. At least that's what she told herself she was doing. He would probably be back. Then again, Emily was home for the week and maybe in his haste to see her he forgot the lights. He was in an odd state of mind as usual, so anything was possible. She supposed she ought to just lock up for him. It was late, she reminded herself again. As her fingers wrap around the nob to turn off the lamp on his desk, she notices the white document open on his computer screen was not so blank after all.

There was a paragraph of about two hundred words. She takes a step closer to his side of the desk. Thinking better of it, she moves to close the laptop. But with her sharp eyes, now wide awake, she catches sight of her name. Gillian pauses, weighing the options, telling herself that he probably wouldn't want her looking at whatever he wrote. She should just close the lid, lock his door and leave. A glass of wine and a novel was waiting for her at home. It was late.

Then again, they never really respected each other's privacy. She didn't think Cal even knew what privacy was. Line or no line, nothing was off limits anymore. He had definitely gotten her thinking more like him. And to be honest, she wouldn't feel guilty if she reads his words; like she had told herself, the endless circle needed to be smeared. She was done being the gentle one who stood back and let things happen in front of her. She had to see too. There was a link somewhere amidst the accumulated space between them. Maybe his writing is a way of communication; typing out the words sometimes helps express what you can't say. It was a tactic used in certain therapy sessions when talking wasn't enough.

And yes, she was certainly admitting that their situation was much like therapy.

Swallowing back the dryness in her throat, she leans forward narrowing her eyes at the screen. The fear of getting caught wasn't exactly a fear. What harm would there be? Despite the distance, they were still close. They would always be close. And she could never fear Cal.

She begins to read.

_I can discern the smallest twitch of muscle upon any man's face and yet I am blind to the one woman whom I've come to appreciate and care for immensely. She looks at me and everything is so utterly real. I've become some sort of mush. I can't even write a chapter in a book; I can't get my mind to hold still long enough to even try. I beat myself up royally because I know I've hurt her. I don't deserve her. Gillian, well, she's a solace to my mind and I'm afraid I am not worthy of her grace. With that knowledge and that anger inside of me, I lash out, creating tension and that god awful space between us. What I would give to pull her close and never let her go. To completely demolish the distance in the middle of us, that is what I want. Because the farther away she is from me, the more I notice how much I need her. That's me, always wanting something I can't have. Well, maybe time can change that. I love her and being separate from her is tearing me apart…_

Gillian lets out an uneven, shuddering breath as she leans back from the desk, feeling her heart beat quick. A creak from the door has her lifting her head to see Cal, leaning against the frame, eyes deep and piercing right into every inch of her. She blinks, highly aware of herself and of him. He licks his lips, taking a step forward.

"Gillian…"

...

* * *

Thank you for reading!

lilylynn


	2. Chapter 2

"_Gillian…"_

* * *

The air seemed to dance around them, testing their lungs, teasing their hearts. He takes another step into the room, halting his words before any more could make their way out. Not that he knew one syllable of what he was going to say. The sod that he was could never say the right words.

Gillian can only feel the tremor of excitement course down her spine as her name floats around his office, echoing off of the walls. Her heart thundered in her ears. She felt like humming to the sound.

His sparkling eyes continue to raid over her, almost like a predator sizing his prey. She has caught him on more than one occasion looking at her like this. Gillian felt wanted, needed. And she wasn't running from him tonight. He licks his lips again and suddenly she wants to kiss him. The remoteness they both shared couldn't be bared any longer and the gap had to be filled.

Before she could give in to more of these desirable thoughts, Gillian knew words had to be spoken. They had to talk. And talking wasn't one of his strong suits sometimes.

The black font of the words still appeared along her vision. Every little curve and line would probably forever be stamped into her memory. Never would she forget the words. She couldn't believe he had finally let himself open up. That stubborn wall of his was breaking.

Another step towards her and both of them could sense that ever present hole between them getting smaller. That somewhat sickening ease was lessening and now the pressure was building. Her vision of him was very clear. There was no straining to see or horrendous headaches. She didn't step back and his steps didn't falter.

They were making their escape from that endless circle.

And still, he progressed closer.

Always sure of her steps, Gillian needed to move. She decided to face the facts; no matter how far they pushed each other away, the bond they shared would never truly separate them.

She strides away from his desk slowly. They had to meet in the middle. Forcing their way through the vast emptiness surrounding them, Cal and Gillian strive towards each other.

* * *

Cal stops a foot in front of her. Now that he was face to face with her he couldn't decide what he should do first. The options were laid out before him. She wasn't slapping him or crying. She wasn't running or hiding from him. She seemed to be waiting for him. Now to act…but Cal didn't know how.

She had read what he had typed. The delicate flush of her cheeks gave that away even if her position at his desk didn't. That paragraph was meant to be a desperate attempt at writing his rough draft for his next book. Yet, the words typed ended up being all about Gillian. In the end, she was what occupied his mind. She always occupied his mind.

Now that she had indeed read that lonely paragraph, Cal admitted to himself that he should feel vulnerable and scared but didn't. He felt anxious and yet could discern the calm within.

Her eyes were dancing, telling him a secret he must know.

Perhaps he already did.

Taking another deep, needed breath, Cal fidgets with his hands. Out of his pockets and back in again, he sets his eyes on hers. Infinitely so.

"Gil, I…I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I really can be blind…to what is in front of me…" His throat felt parched and he licks his lips yet again. The guilt was still visible. Finding the courage and strength in the soft gleam of her eyes, Cal steps forward. They were so close.

Before he could continue though, Gillian willingly speaks. "We all are Cal…in one sense or another." She breathes with him. Everything came to her and the words started to flow; after all, she usually had a way with vocabulary. "I should apologize for intruding…but I'm not going to. This," she gestures between them, "What we have Cal, has always been here. Neither I nor you can deny that. Not now. We haven't been unable to see; we've just covered our eyes on purpose. For the sake of the job, we had to keep that line. I shouldn't have read your thoughts but I have been reading you for years. You read me every chance you get. You may think you don't see…but Cal…you haven't allowed yourself to see. I haven't either. Why torture ourselves anymore?"

Her head turns to the side ever so slightly and a sweet, slow smile graces her lips. The look upon his face was quite exhilarating. She blinks and those compelling words flash in her sight again. All of this because he finally decided to start typing; well, at least bringing the situation to the forefront. The words were calling them to act.

She pauses, leaning towards him. "I am sure we can uncover our eyes now…"

Cal finds the inspiration he had been looking for and felt himself falling even more.

* * *

And indeed he was falling. Right into her. His body collides into hers delightfully. His arms wrap around her torso languidly. He'd done this a thousand times and every single time is like a warm welcome home. He could never get tired of that feeling. Fingers' splaying along her back, running over each curve and line, Cal breathes her in; takes her in. She fits perfect against him and he rejoices as her arms secure themselves tightly around his shoulders, fingers digging, clinging to his clothes and skin underneath. Their heads press against one another and together they sway where they stand.

She had read what he wrote. She had not turned away, running as far away from him as she could. She had accepted and basically told him she felt the same. The encouragement was smoothed over all doubt. She was encased in his arms. This entire he was not blind to.

He feels her chest shudder as she takes a breath. Her voice continues, flowing gracefully around them.

"Cal, I want to say that we still need time. I want to tell you that you aren't off the hook just like that. I want to take things slow and not rush into anything. But…" She pauses, and he can feel the intake of breath hitch. "We've had plenty of time. You'll never be off the hook and we both are ok with that. You find ways to outskirt the rules anyways no matter how many times I say that it's no excuse. And…we should be…crashing into each other as fast as we can no brakes in sight…."

She presses her lips to the curve of his neck to his shoulder, feeling free and finally able to speak her mind completely. This no fear was something of an accomplishment.

She didn't expect him to reply so quickly but he surprises her. She knows every bit of him and yet he's always surprising her.

"Bloody hell woman, we do think alike."

She laughs, loosening her grip on his shoulder to lean back and look into his eyes. They were close but it was easy to see. Her head didn't hurt and his eyes were focused. He joins her mirth, their laughter swirling in the air.

They've done this a thousand times or more but this time their visions were clear.

And they were both right.

They were oh so right.

.-.

"No more distance, s'ok love?"

His fingers glide up to cup her face and Gillian smiles lightly. His touch was like another apology, completely sincere and loving, whispering along her skin. Instead of answering him, she closes the space between them, forever demolishing the detachment. Their mouths meet in the dimly lit room and fireworks could be heard, or so to speak. His lips are soft and she knew she had made the correct decision. She finally acted and he finally stopped. She senses the ease and the comfort in his kiss. This was what she would always find with him. Despite his hard exterior, when it came to her, Cal was a different man. And true to her words, beneath all of that was indeed an amazing, funny, interesting mind. Frustrating as he is, Cal wasn't going anywhere and neither was she.

This man had woven his way into her heart and he would forever be nestled there.

Cal finds himself slumped in the cushions of his office couch, laptop upon his lap and Gillian curled up beside him, his arm slung around her shoulders.

She had told him, sometime after they stood in each other's embrace that he ought to continue on with what he typed. His inspiration could be at the highest amount. Maybe more would come to him and he just might get a start at his book.

Cal obliged her, despite wanting to do other things with his hands.

She would laugh at him as he tried to type one handed, looking like a young boy just learning the keys. He would admonish her, squeezing her shoulder and nudging at her with his chest. Her laughter was intoxicating. Her blushing cheeks and pink, smiling lips were beckoning. Cal could see everything now.

Soon the laptop was forgotten.

* * *

Gillian couldn't help but smile when she heard the rumble of his stomach as the noise almost shook her. They had been laying there for a while, curled up in warmth, love and limbs. Both had lost track of time and neither cared. But Gillian had to admit, even if Cal wasn't saying anything, they had worked up an appetite. Takeout may be the next thing on the list to achieve. If only their phones weren't so far away.

Nuzzling his shoulder with her cheek, Gillian sighs quietly. In response Cal glides his hand down the curve of her back to the curve of her bottom then back up again. He continues this fluid motion, sending chills spiraling to every nerve ending. His touch was powerful and sweet. She could no longer pretend to ignore the sensations.

Instead of being two steps away from each other, they decide to take everything in together. There was no longer a fear or an ignorant wall. They had opened their eyes, finally. This dance could only work correctly if they both give and take.

And they definitely did some giving and taking tonight.

Amidst all the passion and newly expressed feelings, a healing comfort wrapped around Cal and Gillian…calming the storms that had threatened to tear them apart for good.

* * *

Love is blind. In many senses this is true. Love is cruel. Much of this is true. Love can also conquer over all that comes to harm. When you allow yourself to look deep within not only another person but also within your own heart, you'll find that all the petty thoughts and worries were useless. All that matters at the end of the day is that you are willing to venture through the world with that person by your side. There are no lines and no barriers to the amount of love and time you want to spend with one another.

For Cal and Gillian, the simple pleasures were theirs. Eyes wide open, they float and sink and soar within each other. Words aren't everything. Touch isn't everything. But when those two finally blend together, bliss is waiting for you. Life is too short and once you figure that out, you've got to jump with arms widespread. Cal and Gillian wasted no more time.

* * *

.-.-.-.

Not completely happy with this but that's okay. You live, you write, you learn. Thank you very much for the beautiful words and support. You all are amazing.

lilylynn


End file.
